Christmas cake recipe
As the darkening days of winter are relieved by the jollity of the festive season, any suggestion that makes life a little easier is to be welcomed.
Such is the pressure to please family and friends that people frequently turn to the experts for advice on the important issue of food.
Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood make a living from wonderful recipes for cakes and buns. Heston Blumenthal’s plum pudding has quite rightly achieved almost legendary status.
But for those who prefer home baking and hanker after a real Christmas cake, look no further.
Seasonal merriment comes guaranteed.
* 2 cups of flour
* 1 stick of butter
* 1 cup of water
* 1 teaspoon of baking soda
* 1 cup of sugar
* 1 teaspoon of salt
* 1 cup of brown sugar
* Lemon juice
* 4 large eggs
* 1 bottle of Brandy
* 2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the brandy to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the brandy again.
To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar.
At this point it's best to make sure the brandy is still OK. Try another cup... Just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the brandy to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt.
Check the brandy.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
Finish the brandy and wipe counter with the cat.
 Observer 17 November 2013